This blog seems to no longer be the repository of all my creative life.
I am dissatisfied with my newly purchased camera which I never figured out how to properly use (can we say dull, spent colors?>) my old refurbished pc has been in the shop for weeks, and I am now banging away on an even more awful loaner, while I dream dreams of owning a Mac.
Up in the night, digesting rich food and a Margarita from last nights dinner out with girlfriends, I happened upon my blog, and decided to look at entries from this time last year. It is with a twinge of sadness to see how busy and creative and occupied my home life was before this business that has taken over my life.
Nostalgic about the more pronounced roundness in my childrens faces, and even their mere willingness to be photographed and go along with my fantasy life and creative ideas.
I now have an 11 year old that won't wear what I want him to (uhm,ever) and listens to Makelmore up in his bedroom, signing along with the profanity laden lyrics, while dreaming of everything skateboard.
An 8 year old girl on the cusp of the 9 year change, who is difficult, and moody,and cries in frustration when I want to do art with her, so desperate is she to find her own footing, and a little guy who is a sponge, waking up in consciousness and awareness more and more every day.
This year has seen a lot of firsts in our family traditions, first year not hosting thnxgiving, first year not trick or treating with my kids ( I was sewing an order, woop woop) first year without a family photoshoot, and so many other small moments and traditions that perhaps marked the time of having a younger family.
Something new was born this year I suppose, my business, the advent of my new incarnation as a woman/business owner, the renewal of my capacity to bring money into the home, the validation that my creative gift has something to offer other people.
The takeaway has been quality time spent with my children, the pouring of my creative self no longer so much into them, our home, or even my self care for that matter.
It is a lot to ponder, how to find balance, what I want moving forward, what they need, does it benefit them to have a working mother? How to show up fully in all areas of my life, and on a more pressing level, how to even find time to make an advent wreath??
I am tempted to unplug for a while, close down shop and tune into US, the 5 of us.
But I know that nagging feeling of what I should be making/creating/shipping will not leave for a while...
So I'm sorry little blog, little group of loyal followers, and old camera that I hardly ever pick up anymore, perhaps some day I will come back to you.
