Portrait of a girl on her 9th birthday

January

This is what January is looking like, birthdays and cheeriness, busy handwork inside, cold cold cold, dark, wintery and stillness on the outside, nature in deep hibernation . And so anothe year goes.
                               Malawi's birthday table

Happy January, happy monday 

I knew you would be four

Someday, deep down, I knew you would be four.

I knew you would be four ,when you carried your plate and fork to the kitchen without being asked.

I knew you would be four when you told me you wanted "coowl pants" on, and never really let me choose your outfits again.

I knew you would be four when you walked confidently into school without holding my hand one morning.

I knew you would be four when I overheard you singing your brother's rap songs from your carseat, back there.

I knew you would be four when you proclaimed one night: enough kisses mom!  (and my heart sank just a little) :(

I knew you would be four when your once deliciously chubby little legs grew strong and firm.

I knew you would be four when while unsteadily riding our bikes together over the ice one night, you told me "you're ok mom" "you're fine, don't worry!" and comforted me.

I knew you would four when you woke up this morning and I told you "its your 4th birthday today!" and you answered:
"no , its not really yet, maybe tomorrow" perhaps appeasing  me for begging  you to never ever, actually turn one year older EVER AGAIN.

I knew you were four, when you woke up tonight in a full tantrum, needing me: your mama, and I let you cry, before settling you on my lap to tell you a story about a bunny in springtime, inhaling your sweet hair, and tucking you back to sleep...waiting for your next milestone, in this blessed journey we have shared together.


                                                             Happy 4th Malawi Emanuer

Imani's pool day birthday

Year after year Imani's birthday has had a "theme" 

there has been a pink party by a creek with everything pink, a yellow one by a park, a mermaid one over the sea in Panama, an everything gold and sparkly on aunt Thea's farm, and an "Indian" one here in our new yard.

After the aforementioned  Indian one, which was complete with a  beautiful fabric tent, handmade banners, crafts for the kids and everything pretty, she said :

"mom, next year can I just have a bouncy castle and a King Soopers sheet cake?

So there you have it, all my handmade wonder and pretty things no longer wanted .

This year we had it at our little neighborhood pool, the most I did was make paper garlands, her grandpa's bakery made the cake.

It was not a particularly pretty party, and I ordered the kids domino's pizza.

They all splashed and played and ate the non healthy food and a blast was had by all.

Sometimes you need to learn to pick your battles, because at the end of the day she said :

"that was the best birthday ever!"

and there you have it, a win.

Happy birthday Imani: 8

As happy and proud I am of you growing up and finding your wings,

tonight there is also unspeakable grief.

How did 8 years fly us by?

It is so true what they say,

the days are long but the years are short.

Somehow I kept thinking you would always be my little curly headed toddler,

spinning around barefoot, full of mischief and creativity, never sitting still,

Quick with a hug and a giggle and a tantrum.

But you are on your way to womanhood now, growing up lithe and graceful, polite and sensitive, still with your little meltdowns, but

learning new things every day.

To my only daughter,

I wish for you:

love

safety and comfort

creativity

~ empowerment ~

independence

strength

joy

and happiness.

 always, and forever and ever,

your loving mama.

Malawi, 3 years

3 years ago I didnt take many pictures, and was in possession solely of a little point and shoot camera, which  I am so grateful I had.

This photo was taken the day before I went into labour with him, standing in our tiny kitchen.

I know we all believe our births to have been magical an prophetic, and certainly they are, but the day of M's birth, the night really, felt so powerful and auspicious, the sky was doing wild things

there was the most gigantic full moon in cancer

The actual photos of his birth I cannot share here, though i treasure them deeply, and revisit them often, like last night with the children.

Sadly it was a couple of days before  his daddy finally got to hold little M, I love how he fits in his one hand

he had the most beautiful head of hair

his bewildered siblings visited for the first time

and his grandma held him

Steves face.

we finally got him home.

Baby M spent an entire week, sunday to sunday in the NICU, 

Contrary to other parents experiences, where they believe the hospital and staff were "saving their baby" and "doing all they could" we felt trapped in a system based on fear of malpractice, overcaution and medical bureaucracy, but that is another story....

Our lives truly started once we took him safely home.

Every child adds something to this world, and comes neatly wrapped in a package of lessons, challenges and gifts, every child of mine has stretched me and taught me things i needed to know, challenged and delighted me, but baby M's legacy has been pure love, its as if the universe dropped the most rounded little being into our laps and said "here, go ahead, love him and be loved back".

Thats it, 

there has been nothing else.

I still worry that we wont get to keep him.

So here's to 3 joy filled years, chin chin, happy born day baby M.